I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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