just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
