you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
