I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
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