just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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