woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
