I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
