i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
My breasts were aching with rage.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
