how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
