I'm sorry my penis didn't work
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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