he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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