At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
