That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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