every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
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