Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
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Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
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no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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