If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I'm both gender and math confused
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
