I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I need to stop coming to work sober
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
