Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
