Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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