you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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