just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
