I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
