I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I believe in your delicious
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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