i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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