My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
