im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
