we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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