Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
