party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Who wears a wallet chain?!
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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