She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
