I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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