Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
