i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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