Just fell off a train. Bad.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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