I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
is that a dick in a sweater?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
