Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
