I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
