Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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