look no pants
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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