God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
