I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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