she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
