can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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