my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
