there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
