First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
