Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I cannot find my penis.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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