If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
