T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
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