apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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