I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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