Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
