nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
