I met the friendliest cop last night
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
