And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
