Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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