i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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