I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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