i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
