Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
